I’m Not Sick, But Here Is a Transcript Of My Inner Monologue Anyway
There’s a scene in Wayne’s World where the titular Wayne says, “I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored.”
It looks like I had my Wayne’s World moment.
The other day, I wrote a very short blog post called, I’m Sick And Here Is A Transcription Of My Inner Monologue.
It turned out I wasn’t sick and I didn’t want to run the post because, well, it would be a lie. And, “I thought I was sick but I wasn’t” really wins the cool story, bro award.
Then I got totally locked into that and didn’t write anything for days because that’s the kind of thing that happens when you have ADHD and you’re in quarantine and there’s a global pandemic.
As a result of all of this, I am running the post anyway. This is partially to entertain you, but mostly just to teach me my lesson.
Let us commence.
1. There is literally nowhere in this province to get a margarita.
2. I wonder if Kai Davis and I will ever be single for long enough that we’ll just start dating each other. Like the law of attrition, but for relationships.
3. If I started a security company, I would call it Side-Eye Surveillance.
4. I wonder if people who write Christian romances say they write polite fictions.
5. I have been listening to Drops of Jupiter since 2001 and today was the first day I realized it was ABOUT A GIRL WHO WENT TO JUPITER.
6. If you put lemon and lavender oils in your diffuser at the same time, it smells like you cleaned even when you didn’t.
7. Is ironing washcloths reasonable?
8. I think my personal brand might be Amy Schumer meets Auntie Mame.
9. If you have a pedicure and nobody’s there to see it, do you still have it?
10. I wish I’d asked my mother-in-law to teach me to clean when I was still married to her son.
11. I really can’t stop thinking of Warren Talbot making bread naked.
12. I wonder if people knew what my comment section was like, would they comment more, or less?
13. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I’m sick and ohmygod it sucks so much.
I’m sick and ohmygod it sucks so much who?
I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.
In other news, here are some things you might want to read.
Adjustment Reactions: The Teachable Moment in Crisis Communication – Written by a doctor or researcher or scientist or something, along with his wife, also a doctor or researcher or scientist or something, after SARS. I found this UNSANELY valuable.
(Also, apparently my spell-check says “unsanely” is a perfectly viable word.)
(Update: Actually, no. Only when it’s capitalized.)
Justin Trudeau in Home Isolation: ‘Daddy’s on an Important Phone Call’ - I don’t care where you live, or what your politics are, or your orientation – it is a truth universally acknowledged that Justin Trudeau is the hottest person on the face of the earth.
It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay – This is from novelist Chuck Wendig, and as is true for everything that leaves the tips of his fingers, this has some spicy language. (OK, maybe it’s really just The F Word used in every conceivable part of speech. Whatever.) The piece he links to, about the ghost of normalcy, is interesting, too.
Kiwi Virtues in a Time of Trouble – Steven Pressfield talking about, well, it’s hard to explain. It’s about some seriously hardcore New Zealand dudes you’ve never heard of during WWII, and what it has to do with the SOTWAP.
(ICYMI, SOTWAP – which I made up – means Situation Of The World At Present, from here.)
(Also, ICYMI – which I did not make up – means “in case you missed it”. I just learned this today, from Chuck Wendig, who is far cooler than I am.)
(Also, if you’re a writer and you’re ever laboring under the impression that you’re any good at it, you may want to read Chuck Wendig for five minutes. It will remove any lingering illusions of your own adequacy.)
The Coronavirus Crisis Reveals New York At Its Best And Worst – I haven’t read this whole thing yet. I want to give it some time because it’s in the New Yorker, which means it is written for people with longer attention spans than mine.
It references Camus’ The Plague, which says that, for better or for worse, times of crisis reveal peoples’ true selves.
So far, I have learned a few things about myself in this crisis.
Most importantly, I have learned that My True Self is downright promiscuous when it comes to parenthetical asides.
I am the town whore of brackets.
xx
Naomi
